And THEN the Fight Started!

by Yale Schwartz 11/12/16

 

 

=== Overall props and sound files

 

PROPS: blanket, two books, bathrobe, deck of cards, newspaper, coat and hat, fishing rod, tackle box, paper bag with lunch, two suitcases, boxer shorts, skimpy ladies undies, TV remote, broom, bathroom scale

 

SOUND:

car arrival

thunder storm

 

FURNITURE: bed, sofa, table with two chairs

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE at table: scale Joan and Mark

 

PROPS: deck of cards, bathroom scale

SOUND: none

 

SETTING: HUSBAND & WIFE are sitting at the table, playing cards.

 

NARRATOR: Heres another couple. Their anniversary is coming up soon and shes hinting about what she wants.

 

WIFE: You know what day is coming up soon.

 

HUSBAND: (says nothing, just rearranges cards in his hand)

 

WIFE: Exactly one week from today. You know what day that is.

 

HUSBAND: (continues saying nothing, just rearranges cards in his hand)

 

WIFE: Its our anniversary. And I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

 

HUSBAND: (He gives her an assertive glare, then stands up, walks off stage and comes back in handing her a bathroom scale)

Here that ought ta do it.

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!

 

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE at table: still drinking Erin and Steve

 

PROPS: none

SOUND: none

 

SETTING: HUSBAND & WIFE are sitting at a table looking around the room.

 

NARRATOR: This couple is at his high school reunion when he spots a drunken lady swigging her drink at a nearby table.

 

HUSBAND: Oh my gosh. Look at whos getting smashed.

 

WIFE: Do you know her? Who is she?

 

HUSBAND: Yeah, I know her. She's my old girlfriend. I heard she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

 

WIFE: My God! Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?

 

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!

 

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE bed: must be my husband Joan and Mark

 

PROPS: blanket, bathrobe

SOUND: car arrival

 

SETTING: Husband & Wife are lying in bed asleep, hes snoring just a bit to let the audience know theyre really asleep.

 

NARRATOR: This loving couple is sound asleep. Its 3 o'clock in the morning, and suddenly a loud noise from outside awakens them.

 

<SOUND cue> car arrival

 

WIFE: (bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yells)

Holy crap. That must be my husband!

 

HUSBAND: (jumps out of the bed; scared and shirtless, grabs a bathrobe, and jumps out the window)

I gotta get out of here.

 

(A few minutes later, Husband returns to the bedroom, puffing out of breath.)

 

HUSBAND: (screams at Wife)

I AM your husband!

 

WIFE: (momentarily startled yells back)

Yeah, then why were you running?'

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!

 

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE bed: golf clubs Erin and Steve

 

PROPS: blanket, two books

SOUND: none

 

NARRATOR: The relationship between a husband and wife is a fragile thing. The following skits demonstrate that one little step in the wrong direction and that delicate balance is gone and thats when you can say, AND THEN the Fight Started.

 

SETTING: Husband & Wife are lying in bed.

Theyre both reading, turning pages every now and then.

 

Wife puts down her book, looks at Husband, almost starts to ask a question, but then shakes her head and resumes reading.

Then repeats these actions, but still goes back to her book.

All the while Husband keeps reading, paying no attention to her.

Third time, Wife repeats these actions, but now she speaks.

 

WIFE: "If I died, would you remarry?"

 

HUSBAND: "Yes, if I was in love and found someone I could trust, I would for our son's sake"

 

WIFE: "Would you let her live in this house?"

 

HUSBAND: "Yes, I wouldn't want to have to move our son out of the only home he has ever known and I don't see the point in leaving this house with so many great memories."

 

WIFE: "Well would you let her use my golf clubs?"

 

HUSBAND: "Lord NO!"

 

WIFE: "Why not???"

 

HUSBAND: "Because... She is left handed."

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!

 

 

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE bed: went fishing Joan and Mark

 

PROPS: blanket, coat and hat, fishing rod, tackle box, paper bag with lunch

SOUND: thunder storm

 

SETTING: Husband & Wife are lying in bed asleep. He gets up and dresses quietly. Hes going fishing and wants to slip out of the house without waking her.

 

NARRATOR: Henry has planned a fishing trip and doesnt want to disturb his wife.

 

HUSBAND: (move about collecting your fishing rod and tackle box, mumbling all the while in a sing-song manner, but in a stage whisper)

Im going fishing. Im going fishing. Nothing can stop me, Im going fishing.

 

HUSBAND: (keep mumbling out loud about what youre doing so the audience understands your pantomime take lunch from refrigerator, and finally, slowly, tip toe to the door. But when you open the door, you hear a clap of thunder and the sound of a terrible rain storm)

 

<SOUND cue> thunder storm

 

Damn! With all that rain, I guess Im not going fishing.

 

HUSBAND: (Put your things away and quietly go back upstairs; quietly undress, and slip back into bed. Cuddled up to WIFE and whisper in a horny tone of voice)

Hey, honey. The weather out there is terrible.

 

WIFE: Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!

 

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE living room: what's on TV Erin and Steve

 

PROPS: TV remote, newspapers, broom

SOUND: none

 

SETTING: Husband is sitting on the sofa watching TV, flipping thru the channels. Looks like a real couch potato. Meanwhile Wife is straightening up the room, really keeping busy, vacuuming, putting away newspapers, not resting for a minute.

 

NARRATOR: Heres another couple. And we can see, as the saying goes, A man may work from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done."

 

WIFE: (Finally, Wife sits down on the sofa and asks)

What's on TV?

 

HUSBAND: Dust.

 

 

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: Sometimes all it takes is a single word. And THEN the fight started!

 

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE living room: mirror eyesight Joan and Mark

 

PROPS: newspaper

SOUND: none

 

SETTING: HUSBAND reading the paper on the sofa; WIFE looking at herself in the mirror, primping, inspecting bulge on her body, every wrinkle in her face.

 

NARRATOR: The lady needs some reassurance.

 

WIFE: (After inspecting for a while, she is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband)

I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

 

HUSBAND: (lowers the paper, looks her over and finally says)

Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

 

 

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!

 

 


 

=== HUSBAND & WIFE bedroom: undies Erin and Steve

 

PROPS: two suitcases, large boxer shorts, skimpy ladies undies

SOUND: none

 

SETTING: Newly wed couple standing on opposite sides of the bed, unpacking suit cases.

 

NARRATOR: The newly weds are on their honeymoon and he decides to establish his dominance in their new relationship.

 

HUSBAND: (Takes a large pair of boxer shorts from the suitcase, holds them in the air showing off their size, and then tosses them to his new bride.)

Here, put them on!

 

WIFE: I can't wear these ....they're too big!

 

HUSBAND: That's right. Just letting you know, I wear the pants in this family!

 

WIFE: (Takes a pair of panties out of her suitcase, holds them in the air showing off their size, and tosses them to her husband.)

Okay, lets see you put those on!

 

HUSBAND: I can't...they're too small...I can't get into them!

 

WIFE: That's right!...and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude!

 

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!

 

 


=== HUSBAND & WIFE living room: social security Joan and Mark

 

PROPS: none

SOUND: none

 

SETTING: HUSBAND off stage; WIFE sitting on sofa.

 

NARRATOR: He recently retired and hes just now coming back from the Social Security office.

 

WIFE: So, howd it go? Are you all signed up?

 

HUSBAND: I had a bit of a problem but its all right now.

 

WIFE: Why? What happened?

 

HUSBAND: The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my and she said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

WIFE: You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.

 

(HUSBAND & WIFE freeze NARRATOR steps in from side stage and says)

 

NARRATOR: And THEN the fight started!